be sweet, tradwives, yesteryear, and the illusion of neutrality

 Nothing is neutral, not even sewing. 

Sewing, baking, reading, all traditionally “feminine” coded hobbies that have had a resurgence due to social media…and that are now being retaken by baby tradwife influencers. I was raised in a conservative Baptist household, grew up with IBLP (that’s the Duggar’s church) handouts about the natural order of the home, and have always enjoyed reading, sewing, and baking. When I was 18, my church had its yearly pastors conference where other Independent Baptist preachers came to preach to each other (and our church members) for several days straight. My dad had several men come up to him and ask him why he was sending a girl to college, and/or trying to marry their sons off to me. Luckily, my dad did not subscribe to the commonly held idea that he is the cult leader of his home, and he told them all that I was going to college because I wanted to, and that I wouldn’t be marrying a missionary because I would hate it. Thanks, dad. Despite my own dad seeing the inherent value of his children, outside of our assigned sex at birth, I was still very much aware that most of my value was in what I brought in service of men. That is how many, many people view these traditional hobbies: in service of men. Sewing clothes for yourself and your children to save money and have modest clothing available. Baking to provide for yourself and your children, both in your home and maybe even selling baked goods to bring in money without having a job. Reading…well, maybe just the Bible or religiously-coded materials, wouldn’t want the women getting any ideas. Reading is ok in the context of religion or homeschooling, but not really for pleasure. When my great-grandfather died, my mom packed up several paper grocery bags full of paperbacks to take to my great-grandmother, who hadn’t been allowed to read by her husband. Lucky for her, she lived for many more years after his passing, and was finally able to read as much as she liked. 

Everything is political. Even your own house. 

The aggressive push for neutrality is the alt-right’s daydream. Not choosing is in itself a choice. If you do not take a side, you are choosing the oppressor. Somehow, knowing this rallying cry doesn’t always transfer over to practice. Sure, but like, not when I do it. I’m not choosing because I welcome everyone! Neutrality is a comforting illusion, you can refuse to take a hard stance and still feel ethical. You get to do nothing and hopefully still reap those internet goodboy points. You can also be outraged when called out for neutrality! How dare people try to force you to exclude anyone! Can’t they see that Everyone Is Welcome Here?! This kind of neutrality in the face of extreme division reminds me of the #1 IBLP rule for women: Be Sweet. Don’t be Too Anything. Talk softly, speak sweetly, never draw too much attention. Certainly never draw attention to yourself, only to your service to the Lord. Everything you do must glorify Him, you are merely a vessel for His Righteousness to be shown to the world. Be small. Smaller. It is your responsibility to keep men from sinning in their heart, so don’t draw attention. Don’t have a body. Or really even a face. Don’t smile too much, but also never be without a smile. Negative emotions are not allowed. You are not angry, you are blessed just to be here. Always defer to your husband or father’s opinion on anything. Strong convictions are for men, women shouldn’t be willful. Women, doing women’s work, shouldn’t have a strong stance on anything. 

These white women are dangerous. 

Aggressively neutral, specifically white women are how we got here: they voted for Trump, they voted for the rightwing candidates in their countries. They didn’t want to cause a fuss, they certainly didn’t want to disagree with their husbands and/or fathers, so they voted Republican like they were told. They knew it felt bad, and wrong, to vote for a man who said such horrible things about women and children and immigrants and disabled people…but they didn’t want to rock the boat. Their personal cult leader told them that voting for a woman was against God’s plan, and they have been told to be small and meek and sweet and those women who ran against Trump are none of those things, so they must not be Godly. Not to excuse them - most of these women are still present in the mainstream secular world enough to see their own strength and the strength of the women around them, and they are consciously choosing to disregard it. They are choosing to vote against what they know is right, because the cognitive dissonance is too much to bear. Admitting that Republicans have lost the plot and broken with the God of Sunday School means that their entire worldview is broken and fake and meaningless and it’s all they have. 

Yesteryear, anyone?

The more conservatism takes over the mainstream, the more even seemingly non-religious women will suddenly spout these talking points. It will become passe to be controversial. No one wants a hot take, they want a hot meal. That you made for them. Because you wanted to, not because you felt forced. You just woke up today in the mood to make cereal from scratch! It’s easier to spot an ultra-religious person on social media, so these non-religious tradwives are more insidious. In the sewing community, there seem to be a lot of ex-vangelicals, who are maybe not quite finished deconstructing internalized instructions to Be Sweet and therefore neutral. The political discourse can feel all encompassing and downright heavy right now, so of course the promise of a happy place away from the nonsense is so desirable. Unfortunately, the nonsense persists. The only place safe from bigots is a place that is intolerant of bigotry. You must be intolerant of intolerance to maintain a place of safety for the oppressed. Neutrality offers a safe place for bigotry to bloom, a place too cowardly to take a hard stance. More Americans didn’t vote at all than voted for either major party candidate in the last presidential election, and we are living the repercussions of not choosing every day. The option to not be political is only afforded to white people. Every day, people around the world die because of US politics. The world should feel heavy for us right now, this is our responsibility. Ending USAid has directly led to the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people. 

Charitable donations are not a solution.

Striving to be like your favorite billionaire and make charitable donations is nice. But it isn’t a substitution for using your white lady powers for good. Buying carbon offsets feels good, but it doesn’t cancel out flying on a private jet 15 times per month. Having a large following comes with responsibility to do better, including not hiding behind donations to extremely neutral charities. Providing hungry children with bibles via charity isn’t as helpful as providing actual food. Forcing livestock onto impoverished villages isn’t as helpful as asking villagers what they actually need. Building schools is a great photo op, but who stays behind and makes sure the schools are run ethically, and in a way that actually benefits the local population, is more important in the long run. Tithing to support a missionary who is preaching the good word while using limited resources and offering only prayer in return is not a great testimony for your religion. Donating only to the most broad strokes charities does not send an inclusive message that everyone is welcome here, it sends the message that you want to be Nice. That it is more important that you don’t offend anyone with your concern for others than actual concern for others. It is farming for internet goodboy points and not real philanthropy. There are plenty of options to donate to textile or sewing based charities that would at the very least be on brand. 

Sewing as revolution

Choosing to participate in traditionally feminine hobbies without performing them in service of men is subversive. Sewing for yourself, instead of spending that time to benefit men, is an act of rebellion. Intent matters. I like to sew and bake and read and hate men in equal amounts. Being loud and fat and unapologetic in a world that demands sweetness is mutiny. Stay punk & nazi punks fuck off.